your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
