nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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