On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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