1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
