Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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