Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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