I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Randomize
