I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
