Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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