he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
