Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
