there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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