textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
