Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
