Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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