Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
