Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
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