I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
