Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
