Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
