I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
