im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Drake has all the answers
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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