We're facebook friends in real life
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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