Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
