Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
