Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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