yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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