Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
