so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
