Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
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