do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
