How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Floor bacon is actually really good
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
