I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
