Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
