Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
