I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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