So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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