cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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