nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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