dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
My life is pants optional.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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