Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
