i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
