Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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