What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
