Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Randomize
