There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
