If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
