Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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