im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
