My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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