Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
