My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
This toilet bowl is my home.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
