I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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