remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Randomize
