Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
