just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
