I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
