Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
