if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize
