Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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