So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Randomize
