I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
