my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
