i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
